I Am Bee Mice Elf

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.” ~W.C. Fields

Mom of a Daughter? Mom of a Son? Mom of Human Beings.

Written By: IAmBeeMiceElf - Aug• 26•13

I was just very recently introduced to the expression “rape culture”, by a 15 year old girl who thought it was her job to school me on why I’m a “misogynistic pig who clearly hates her own gender.”  What did I do? What did I say to warrant  this very passionate presumption about my entire character?  I said “You should drink responsibly, and not the point where you will have no control over your own actions.”  I suggested if a girl wanted to get fall down drunk she should have sober friends to keep an eye out for her.  That’s what friends are supposed to do – because you could fall and get hurt, you could pass out in the street, you could choke on your own vomit and die — OR someone with bad intentions could use the opportunity to take advantage of your situation.  So rather than explain why I’m not a misogynistic pig who clearly hates my own gender, I’m going to embrace it.  If thinking that people should take responsibility for themselves and their own safety, (even and especially FEMALES!) makes me any of those things, than I accept that that’s what I am.

I almost titled this blog “Mom of a Probable Rape Victim – Mom of a PROBABLE Rapist” because that was the “cliff’s notes” of the conversation.  One of her exact quotes was  “Instead of telling me not to get drunk, tell your son not to rape women.”  Every male is just a predator, waiting to attack any woman the second he gets a chance and girls should be on their constant guard (by hating and bashing men and boys, not so much by NOT putting themselves in a place where they could be beaten and robbed by a person of either sex looking for an easy target).

INSTEAD of telling ME not to get drunk, tell your SON not to rape women? Where do I even begin with the complete and utter wrongness that is this quote.  FIRST OF ALL– i WILL tell you NOT to get drunk! You are 15 years old!  and – I don’t NEED to sit my son down and instruct him that he should not have sex with an unwilling participant.  He is raised in a way, every single day, so that “not raping someone” is a given in his common sense of humanity and decency.  Even though you believe he would just as soon slit your poor helpless female throat just to get a piece of that, I assure you, he would still hold the door for you (and not expect a thank you from your highness) – although, I do suspect from the rest of the conversation. that you would not only, not say thanks, but probably yell at him for being sexist in thinking you couldn’t hold your own door because you’re a woman.

You would think, that right there, I would have known it was a pointless conversation.  Clearly this WOMAN has learned everything there is to know about me and the entire male population in her fifteen years of life – yet for some reason I had not learned MY lesson and the discussion continued…. So I ask, “Let’s say I agree with you and all men are just rapists in waiting – do you think they should be arrested and brought to justice if they succeed?” – “Well of COURSE I do, but rape is a very under reported crime, most of the time the girl doesn’t even call the police.”  — “Well!?!  Isn’t another awesome reason NOT to be incoherently drunk! If you can’t even walk, if your senses are so impaired that you can’t even put one foot in front of another, how can the police, or anyone else, trust your account of the incident?  You won’t make a good witness, they won’t be able to bring it to trial.”

wait for it…


“So you’re saying I would deserve it?!?!” — THAT is what she took from my question.  I wanted to think she was alone in her non sequitur, but several girls in the conversation were as equally appalled at my apparent suggestion that, it’s justifiable to have sex with a girl who won’t be able to testify against you.  –That’s when I realized there would be no reasoning with them.   We were having two different conversations. They were discussing what happens in their little world.  A world where you can dangle kittens in front of {what you consider to be} hungry wolves and think it’s solely the wolves responsibility to maintain the sanctity of the kitten.  I was discussing letting your kittens out to play when you know they are in a safe environment, around domesticated wolves and sober people whose physical and mental abilities aren’t compromised.   I was discussing the responsibility for the safety of the kitten being with the owner – especially KNOWING some people DO look at those kittens as prey.

They don’t give you a book when you leave the hospital with a baby.  “Raising Girls for Dummies” or “The A-Z Encyclopedia of Bringing up Boys” – I don’t recall any specific lesson that I gave my daughter that I did not give my son (potty training aside).  When my son was younger I used to put his clothes in the dryer for a few minutes to warm them up ((I didn’t do it for my daughter because we didn’t have a dryer in our house when she was young)).  My friends would give me the biggest load of crap for that.  “You’re spoiling him for all other women,” they would say – but I want my son to hold out for a woman that will put his clothes in the dryer when it’s cold out – I’d also like to think I’m raising him in a way that he would do the same for her or even make her a sandwich if she’s running late for work.  I want my daughter to be treated respectfully and to treat people with respect.  I want that for my son too.   I do not want my children taking advantage of anyone, and I don’t want them taken advantage of.  I don’t want those things for them because they are MY kids — I want those things for them because they are human beings.

I hope the smart, albeit misguided young lady from our conversation is never a victim, and I also hope she learns that she IS responsible for herself, her actions and her own safety –  I hope if she doesn’t learn those things, that she has sober friends who will stop her from walking away from a party  or bar with someone she doesn’t know.  I hope if she doesn’t learn those things that her sober friends wont let her drive.  I hope that if she grows up to be a mom, that she realizes boys are not born evil, males don’t have a secret gene that makes them incapable of controlling themselves and that you don’t raise boys and girls differently, you raise them to be responsible human beings.

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  1. grundlegrundlegrundle says:

    Full stop, no woman ever deserves to get raped for drinking too much at a party.

    • IAmBeeMiceElf says:

      are you the girl from the conversation?? WHEREEEEEE do I even IMPLY that it’s “deserved”? please show me…where… I’ll wait… go ahead….

  2. Jo says:

    I can only agree with you on all points. Sadly, some men do use the excuse that a man “once aroused, simply can’t control himself” – I’ve had some fiery arguments with a family member who maintained that nonsense. And I’ve met young women who blame themselves when they get raped (and not drunk at the time, either.) It’s a sad mess all around.

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