I Am Bee Mice Elf

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.” ~W.C. Fields

Is it Wasted Ramblings of a Useless Mind or Useless Ramblings of a nevermind…

Written By: IAmBeeMiceElf - Sep• 02•21

I’ve had so much on my mind lately – too much to get into right here and now … I’ve been paying Go Daddy for this site since… I don’t even know how long now- at least 4 years, I can tell you that. I have 27 “pending” posts sitting in my drafts folder – all half assed thoughts that I haven’t had the motivation to spell out to get to the point. I have one pending about divorce – and how much it sucks for the kids… but really, that’s the whole point, I just made it – divorce sucks for the kids – why should I walk us through it? Just to get to the point, which we all already know. But I do it – I walk it through for both your benefit (thanks for reading btw :D) and for my own. Yes, we know it sucks, but when I walk us through it, I find what I need to be okay with it or, or to have an acceptance, or even just a little understanding. It helps me to see it more clearly, when it’s all written out in a coherent way, instead of the seemingly random and unconnected thoughts –writing it all out … it helps me connect them   — and usually, from your feedback, you appreciate it too.

When I first started posting to the blog, it was supposed to be a place for my writing. I was thinking of pursuing that as an extension of the work I was already doing; writing content for other people’s websites and blogs. I was going to use it to showcase what I wrote about, as example-portfolio-resume kinda thing – but it turned into more of a diary with peepers (thanks AGAIN LOL) and I never actually did anything with the writing.

Sometimes though, I like to write it all out to avoid thinking about things I’ve thinking too much about. There is no point to be made, just mindless wanderings. Thoughts that have no answers, or at least ones we’ll never know in this lifetime  – the ones that makes you feel like you want a Pepsi. “I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything. But then again I was thinking about nothing.”  The ramblings that will follow are just that – thoughts about nothing and everything == and if you can’t keep up, don’t worry, neither can I — so you see my problem…

My uncle recently passed away, it’s been one of the many things that have been really weighing heavily on me. It was one of those passings that will effect me the rest of my life – right up there with the loss of my grandparents — the kind of hole in your heart that is never really filled – and still, all these months later so hard to even grasp as real.

There was never a time in my life when he wasn’t there – from the day I was born. I have to think I will see him again which makes me think I must have known him in a before. As I was pondering life’s imponderables, an episode of Bones was playing in the background.  “Nothing in this universe happens just once. Infinity goes in both directions. There is no unique event, no singular moment.”

I wonder how many of the people I meet now are people that have followed me through all my lives. All the kids I knew from when I was little … will they follow me to my next life? It amazes me to think of the years and years I spent with some of those people. A lot of us “kids” are at the age where we’re losing our own parents and my heart breaks for them when I hear about – there is still the connection even though I haven’t seen them longer than the amount of time I had spent with them.

What about the years spent with former co-workers – and even the people I’ve met for 2 minutes through work, or the people I’ve only “met” online. 20 years ago, I was very active on MySpace. I still have some of those friends today, on Facebook. There was a guy who frequently posted in the same forums as I did and then, all of a sudden one day, someone posted a news article about someone they found deceased in a town where this person lived. This was a world wide message board but this guy lived about 6 hours away from me, further upstate and the person who found the article lived on the West Coast.  Several years after that, I was working in a little hole in the wall store when a customer paid with a credit card that had the same last name as the person I knew from the MySpace forum – I commented on the unusual named and mentioned my deceased friend from the forum and what a great guy I thought he was — it turned out -she was his mother. She burst into tears and hugged me and thanked me for remembering her son and speaking so highly of him. I never saw her again. What are the odds – a random little shop, in a tiny little town – 6 hours away? Something had to he “aligned.” I still wonder how his son is doing, he was only 5 when his dad died.

My longest employment was for a dairy company. I was there almost 15 in years in total, having started as a temp before being permanently hired. I haven’t worked there for longer than I did but I still think about so many of those people. I’ve found a few on Facebook and it always makes me happy to see them happy. There was one temp named Maria, who I felt an instant kindredness. We lived parallel teenage lives – her in New Jersey, me in New York – Metalheads who married their our school sweethearts -and both remain married to this day. We were definitely destined to re-meet in this life even if we don’t remember the last one, I’m sure that had to have been one because I felt it when we met, before I even know she liked Rob Zombie \m/.

I”m sure I could write slash think about this for at least a few more pages, for at least a few more hours, possibly days – giving so many names of people I’ll swear I knew and I know will meet again. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I guess I also have to believe the people that I “clash” with, must be here because I haven’t learned whatever lesson I was supposed to – or maybe they killed me in a past life so we’re obviously connected – I have to believe they are also following me through my incarnations for a reason —

When people sing and talk about love they connect the heart and soul. It makes me wonder if like… the the heart is the “contacts” and the soul is the “GPS” — the people who leave the biggest marks in your heart, your soul finds them in all the other lives? I think this also explains why you have family that is blood and might as well be complete strangers and sometimes you “find” your family where there is no blood at all.  I don’t know — I told you in the beginning this was my rambling

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